Monday, July 18, 2011

10 Easy Steps To Denying Reality

The knowledge is within me. So I have decided to share my oh so great knowledge with you, my dear readers, and so have contrived a step by step plan to helping one deny reality.


Step1: Picture everyone in their underwear. If this makes you nauseous, picture them as monkeys.


Step2: When in a serious conversation, keep in mind phrases like "That's what he/she said." and "....between the sheets." and laugh out loud when the urge hits.


Step3: Have meaningful conversations with inanimate objects.


Step4: Narrate your every move out loud.


Step5: Do not hold back those natural responses to stressful situations. Go ahead and scream, growl, cry, howl, cluck...


Step6: Make it a game, the I'm Not Touching The Devil game. How to play: Pick something to avoid, such as walls or cracks in the ground, or door handles, etc. Then avoid touching them at all cost and every time its a close call, scream "I'm not touching the devil!"


Step7: Create your own language and try teaching it to friends, family, coworkers, etc., but as if its the only language you speak.


Step8: Dance to the music in your head, and play the music loudly.


Step9: When someone tries to remind you of your responsibilities, "blah" them.


-Aren't you going to be late for work?
-Blah


-Don't forget to pick up the milk on the way home.
-Blah


-You never listen to me anymore.
-Blah


And Finally,


Step10: Remove all of your clothing, wrap toilet paper around your head and run down the street singing The Beach Boys- Barbara Ann.


These 10 easy steps will lead to your being locked up where you will be given the best reality denying drugs available. Enjoy!

7 comments:

Oilfield Trash said...

Step # 9 works really well. And it also pisses them off in the process which is a double bonus.

Arlequín said...

As an alternative to step one, I just picture a pair of breasts, with size varying according to how serious the situation or the status of the person.

It is acceptable to mutter 'boobies' from time to time while doing this.

Wow, that was awkward said...

These are awesome tips. I like number six a lot. You should turn these ten steps into a self-help/business book and go on a nationwide speaking circuit. Malcolm McDowell has nothing on you.

Satan said...

i LOVE reality-denying drugs. sign me up!

Slyde said...

i just thought about you in your underwear, and now i cant leave my desk for a while... thanks!

momiss said...

It is a strong temptation. I've been saying for years there is a nervous breakdown with my name on it somewhere, but I think it would work better once all the kids are raised.
Thanks for the plan, though. It's kind of exciting to think about actually doing it.

Pranavam Ravikumar a.k.a. Kochuravi said...

Amazing.. Blah!!!!!!