Monday, July 25, 2011

What's Your Wish List

Tell me yours and I'll tell you mine...

1. World Peace. Watch, it's gonna happen and you'll all be thanking me.

2. Even boobs. Not through surgery, but through miracle.

3. To walk into a room and have everyone say my name. Like Norm on Cheers.

4. At one moment in time to have everyone break into song and dance. That would be ....that's right, Awesome!

5. I wanna WALL-E. Not the little toys they're selling in the stores, but THE Wall-E. I want someone to create his exact A.I. and place it in that exact mechanical body just for me.
( Recently watched the movie again and still adore that lil guy.)


Monday, July 18, 2011

10 Easy Steps To Denying Reality

The knowledge is within me. So I have decided to share my oh so great knowledge with you, my dear readers, and so have contrived a step by step plan to helping one deny reality.

Step1: Picture everyone in their underwear. If this makes you nauseous, picture them as monkeys.

Step2: When in a serious conversation, keep in mind phrases like "That's what he/she said." and "....between the sheets." and laugh out loud when the urge hits.

Step3: Have meaningful conversations with inanimate objects.

Step4: Narrate your every move out loud.

Step5: Do not hold back those natural responses to stressful situations. Go ahead and scream, growl, cry, howl, cluck...

Step6: Make it a game, the I'm Not Touching The Devil game. How to play: Pick something to avoid, such as walls or cracks in the ground, or door handles, etc. Then avoid touching them at all cost and every time its a close call, scream "I'm not touching the devil!"

Step7: Create your own language and try teaching it to friends, family, coworkers, etc., but as if its the only language you speak.

Step8: Dance to the music in your head, and play the music loudly.

Step9: When someone tries to remind you of your responsibilities, "blah" them.

-Aren't you going to be late for work?

-Don't forget to pick up the milk on the way home.

-You never listen to me anymore.

And Finally,

Step10: Remove all of your clothing, wrap toilet paper around your head and run down the street singing The Beach Boys- Barbara Ann.

These 10 easy steps will lead to your being locked up where you will be given the best reality denying drugs available. Enjoy!

Friday, July 8, 2011

My Mother's Driving

So this weekend my mother and I were searching through the newspaper for job openings when she went off track and found a job posting for "driver needed". I immediately began shaking my head no as she read off the job.

Me: Absolutely not mother!

Mom: ...500 a week...

Me: I would sue any company that hired YOU as a driver.

Mom: ...must have a valid license, I have that....

Me: No!

Mom: Why not?

Me: Because. I was with you when you ran over the median last week. I was with you when you went the wrong way down a one way. AND, I was with you when you got pulled over for drunk driving.

Mom: I don't even drink.

Me: Exactly my point!

Also, go here and follow, mmkay?

Monday, July 4, 2011

Happy 4th of July!

I did a search for sexy 4th of July pics and this is what I found.  Oh baby!  Hope you have an awesome day!

Friday, July 1, 2011

The Proper Way to Eat Cereal

For me, eating cereal is an art. So, to become such an artist as I, follow these simple steps.

Step 1: Take your bowl and fill it with milk. Thats right, milk goes in first. 

Step 2: Next you take a handful of the cereal of your choosing (I'm a fan of them all) and put it into the milk and enjoy. Eat a handful at a time.

Why, you say, should this be considered an art? Well, think about the benefits.

-No more soggy cereal.

Thats really all thats important to me. I hate soggy cereal.