Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I believe I've avoided being morbid

How do you wanna go out?  I wanna die peacefully in my sleep or while having hot and sweaty...but then I realized there are many much more elaborate and grand deaths and so, I decided to get a little more creative...

5 Best and 5 Worst Ways To Die:

Best: Valiant Volcano Death
In a courageous act of heroism I sacrifice myself by plunging into the mouth of a giant active volcano, miraculously stopping the impending doom of eruption, saving thousands from a dreadful demise. Oh Hell Yeah!

Worst: Eaten Alive
By taking a swim in a piranha infested lake. Because that would just be stupid.

Best: Offed By Poison Dart
It would be a slow working poison causing a high fever in which I would undergo vivid hallucinations where I would be flying, in which case, not realizing that I have actually swan dived off the Golden Gate Bridge and am falling to my death.

Worst: Toilet Drowning
Luckily, I have not yet been that drunk...

Best: Death by Rock-n-Roll
Who wouldn't want to go out that way?!

Worst: Autopsied
"After making the cut, the subject's heart...*cough*...After rectifying an anomaly, I will now continue the procedure of removing the heart."

Best: Glomped To Death
For those who don't know, to be glomped is to be hugged with a great enthusiasm. I'd be loved to death.

Worst: Chewed To Death
If I were attacked by zombies it would not be like with the piranhas. The piranhas would finish me off where zombies (as seen in the movies) never finish their meals. They chew on ya for a bit, maybe rip some flesh here and there or remove a limb, but they never completely finish you off, down to the bone as it were. Of course, then I'd become a zombie myself and I would at least have the decency...anyway

Best: In A Grand Escape
In truth I'd want to live long enough to be that old lady in a wheelchair recognized by all the good looking, young male nurses as the one to watch out for.

My final downfall would be in the headlines: "98 yr old looses her life while attempting an intricately planned escape from the local senior citizens home..."

Worst: Being scared half to death, twice.

P.S.  There's a Facebook page and I just haven't felt like fucking with a widget yet, but here's a link.  Go "like" it mmkay.


Captain Dumbass said...

I'd prefer instantaneous and painless.

The Six-Fingered Monkey said...

I liked you... can you do the same for the monkey?

The Tame Lion said...

Lucky you... because I'm toilet drowning right now....

Anonymous said...

Joe vs the Volcano reference....really?