Sunday, October 23, 2011

A Very Valid Excuse

I Have it....

Clara Marie.  Born 10/10/11

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Themed Thursday: Ruffly Undies






I don't know if its just the hormones or not, but I just have a thing for ruffles these days...

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Fabled Creatures From Beyond The Grave

Little bunny Fu-fu* was hopping through the forest when he came upon an old friend.
So he hopped up to him and asked "Master Unicorn, how have you been?"
But no answer did come from Master Unicorn.
So little bunny Fu-fu thought "Maybe he didn't hear."
So he hopped a lil closer and screamed it in his ear.
This time, Master Unicorn did respond.
He turned a look in Fu-fu's direction.
Fu-fu hopped back, feeling quite the affliction.
"I apologize Master Unicorn, I did not mean to be a bother."
He could tell Master Unicorn was not feeling well.
Will blood dripping from his nostrils and the awful smell.
It was then he heard the whispers of the other woodland creatures.
They said to "Run, run away!"
But it was too late, Master Unicorn had found his prey.
The other woodland creatures looked on with horror.
As poor little bunny Fu-fu screamed, "Holy crap! He's eating me alive!"**

You wanted it people, now you got it. Don't bitch.



*I asked my mother how to spell Fu-fu. And she was like "F, U" and I was like, "No, F you!"

**My mother was very disturbed by this story. Because she likes unicorns. Geesh, she's such a girl sometimes.

Zombie Unicorn


***********************************************************************************
P.S. I've been trying to catch up on all the blogs I've been missing recently, so many of you will be seeing some comments on some of your older posts, and possibly some repeated comments cuz I forget, and I'll be trying to get to them all, but I'm only one person and what do you want from me, I'm trying my best, reading my poor lil heart out, but I've still felt guilty which is why I actually wrote a RHYMING story just for you all and you should all really appreciate it cuz I don't like to write rhyming cuz I suck at it and now this is just all nonsense. I don't wanna play no more so I'm taking my dolly and going home!

Friday, September 2, 2011

Its My Birthday!

29 years ago I made my daring escape from the womb and have pretty much ruled the world since.  And just in case some of you forgot, here's a reminder of what all I expect on this glorious day:

Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Chain Gang

So, my friends are evil and secretly hate me because they actually believe that they can force me into getting my nipples pierced. Why, you say, would they want to force such a torturous event on someone as sweet and innocent as I? They say its not because they want me to cry and scream bloody F-ing murder (though I'm sure they'd find that great entertainment), but so we can call ourselves the Chain Gang.

Like I'd actually volunteer to be part of a group that threads a chain through all their nipple rings. Yeah, not so much. You can hunt me down and haul me out, but you can't make me!

Ok, so they're not really going to link themselves with chains. But those in the group who have yet to pierce their nipples are going down town to get em done. I told them I'd get my belly button pierced and they were all "Thats not good enough" and I was all "Well fine then! You can just kiss my shiny lil ass!"......I should have known better with these people. Almost got depants right then and there.

So yeah, its my new I'd rather... Like I'd rather get my nipples pierced than suck face with you. Its now up there with, I'd rather be stung in the eye by a bee, or I'd rather sandpaper a croc's ass in a phone booth, or I'd rather shave my legs Cabin Fever style, or......Ok, your turn, what are your I'd rathers?

Also, while I wasn't here, I was over Here.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Themed Thursday: Umbrellas

I was never a fan of umbrellas, except for their purpose in life (to keep the rain off you), until I saw this one!

...!
Isn't it the coolest thing EVER!?  Then I decided to see what other types were available, and now I want to start an umbrella collection!....

Shit, its raining

Ghost busters







Monday, August 22, 2011

Wandering Thoughts

So, wanna come inside my head?...Don't run! Come on back here. It's not that bad. Just, try not to get lost, its easy to do, trust me. Try to keep up and you'll be fiiinnne....really....yeah.

  • I need a new post idea.
  • But, I'm having this AWESOME inability to concentrate right now.
  • My mind is working at high speed.
  • Maybe I'm a genius but I can't portray it because I think too fast. (Evil grin appears on face for no obvious reason to the outside world)
  • Ha, that could be my special gift. "What's your super power?" "Genius bitch!"
  • I'm a dork.
  • I wonder if I have any new comments on my last post... (Raise your hand if you're guilty)
  • I love paper. Fresh new notebook. That's hot.
  • I hate Paris Hilton.
  • I need more notebooks...and light bulbs.
  • Light bulbs...ding, new idea.
  • Music!
  • Ah I hate that song. Stop.
  • ....in the name of love, before you break my heart...
  • I can never remember the rest of that stupid song.
  • I'll Google it.
  • Come over to myspace so I can twitter your yahoo 'til you google on my facebook.
  • Damn it. Every time I think or hear Google.
  • ...
So obviously, I couldn't come up with anything...and this is what you get. Hope you enjoyed the trip. I'll try to come up with something worth reading soon...I hope...

Also, check out my Back To School post over HERE!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Baby Bump!

Just finished my first maternity shoot.  Check it out HERE!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Themed Thursday: Duck Face

Has to be the worst (as in, most disturbing) duck face ever!


...BEST duck face ever!


Does this count as duck face?  I have a feeling its just her face...

Caption says it all.

Now for the last and of course favorite...


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Check it out!

A new blog.  The estrogen filled version of this blog.  Its where I still plan to be my sarcastic, entertaining self, just the more up-lifting, girly girl version.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Themed Thursday: The Pisser

Funny Loo Graphic

Face!

Poor Kitty

LED toilet seat

Bass Guitar Toilet Seat

Practice your aim

Candy Throne

DIY Halo toilet seat

Shark Bite

Ew...

Monday, August 1, 2011

Most Embarrassing moment

This one gets a little graphic...

Lets have a sharing moment shall we?  What is your most embarrassing moment?  This one is mine...shhh, lets keep this between you and me mmkay.


The family once came for a visit. My dad, my younger sister and her three children, ages 7, 3, and 1.....in my, at that time, one bedroom apartment...Fun, Fun, Fun! So, besides having to deal with the high pitched squeals of "She won't give me my gun back!" and "He keeps taking the bullets!" Mind you, this was a toy gun and IMAGINARY bullets, ...so yeah, where was I? Besides that the sweet, quiet 1yr old found my "bottom" drawer and decided to prance around, in front of my DAD cradling (graphic) like a baby in her arms....FUN!  My mother had to explain to him that I'm not a little girl any more...

Monday, July 25, 2011

What's Your Wish List

Tell me yours and I'll tell you mine...


1. World Peace. Watch, it's gonna happen and you'll all be thanking me.


2. Even boobs. Not through surgery, but through miracle.


3. To walk into a room and have everyone say my name. Like Norm on Cheers.


4. At one moment in time to have everyone break into song and dance. That would be ....that's right, Awesome!


5. I wanna WALL-E. Not the little toys they're selling in the stores, but THE Wall-E. I want someone to create his exact A.I. and place it in that exact mechanical body just for me.
( Recently watched the movie again and still adore that lil guy.)

Wall-E

Monday, July 18, 2011

10 Easy Steps To Denying Reality

The knowledge is within me. So I have decided to share my oh so great knowledge with you, my dear readers, and so have contrived a step by step plan to helping one deny reality.


Step1: Picture everyone in their underwear. If this makes you nauseous, picture them as monkeys.


Step2: When in a serious conversation, keep in mind phrases like "That's what he/she said." and "....between the sheets." and laugh out loud when the urge hits.


Step3: Have meaningful conversations with inanimate objects.


Step4: Narrate your every move out loud.


Step5: Do not hold back those natural responses to stressful situations. Go ahead and scream, growl, cry, howl, cluck...


Step6: Make it a game, the I'm Not Touching The Devil game. How to play: Pick something to avoid, such as walls or cracks in the ground, or door handles, etc. Then avoid touching them at all cost and every time its a close call, scream "I'm not touching the devil!"


Step7: Create your own language and try teaching it to friends, family, coworkers, etc., but as if its the only language you speak.


Step8: Dance to the music in your head, and play the music loudly.


Step9: When someone tries to remind you of your responsibilities, "blah" them.


-Aren't you going to be late for work?
-Blah


-Don't forget to pick up the milk on the way home.
-Blah


-You never listen to me anymore.
-Blah


And Finally,


Step10: Remove all of your clothing, wrap toilet paper around your head and run down the street singing The Beach Boys- Barbara Ann.


These 10 easy steps will lead to your being locked up where you will be given the best reality denying drugs available. Enjoy!

Friday, July 8, 2011

My Mother's Driving

So this weekend my mother and I were searching through the newspaper for job openings when she went off track and found a job posting for "driver needed". I immediately began shaking my head no as she read off the job.

Me: Absolutely not mother!

Mom: ...500 a week...

Me: I would sue any company that hired YOU as a driver.

Mom: ...must have a valid license, I have that....

Me: No!

Mom: Why not?

Me: Because. I was with you when you ran over the median last week. I was with you when you went the wrong way down a one way. AND, I was with you when you got pulled over for drunk driving.

Mom: I don't even drink.

Me: Exactly my point!



Also, go here and follow, mmkay?

Monday, July 4, 2011

Happy 4th of July!

I did a search for sexy 4th of July pics and this is what I found.  Oh baby!  Hope you have an awesome day!

Friday, July 1, 2011

The Proper Way to Eat Cereal


For me, eating cereal is an art. So, to become such an artist as I, follow these simple steps.


Step 1: Take your bowl and fill it with milk. Thats right, milk goes in first. 

Step 2: Next you take a handful of the cereal of your choosing (I'm a fan of them all) and put it into the milk and enjoy. Eat a handful at a time.


Why, you say, should this be considered an art? Well, think about the benefits.


-No more soggy cereal.


Thats really all thats important to me. I hate soggy cereal.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Favorite Zombie Movie List

Here is a list of my favorite Zombie films. I'd like to hear your list as well.

George A. Romero’s, Night of the Living Dead : classic

Night of the Living Dead


Return of the Living Dead: they freakin ran for the first time

Return of the Living Dead


Pet Semetery 1 and 2: Zombie animals

Pet Semetary 2


Shaun of the Dead: What is there not to love about this movie?

Shaun of the Dead


Resident Evil series: Mila Jovovich, nuff said.

Resident Evil 2


Return of the Living Dead 3: First emo zombie

Return of the Living Dead 3


Army of Darkness: Some put it in the zombie category, some don't...I do.

Army of Darkness


And more recently: Zombieland, duh.

Zombieland

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I believe I've avoided being morbid

How do you wanna go out?  I wanna die peacefully in my sleep or while having hot and sweaty...but then I realized there are many much more elaborate and grand deaths and so, I decided to get a little more creative...

5 Best and 5 Worst Ways To Die:

Best: Valiant Volcano Death
In a courageous act of heroism I sacrifice myself by plunging into the mouth of a giant active volcano, miraculously stopping the impending doom of eruption, saving thousands from a dreadful demise. Oh Hell Yeah!

Worst: Eaten Alive
By taking a swim in a piranha infested lake. Because that would just be stupid.

Best: Offed By Poison Dart
It would be a slow working poison causing a high fever in which I would undergo vivid hallucinations where I would be flying, in which case, not realizing that I have actually swan dived off the Golden Gate Bridge and am falling to my death.

Worst: Toilet Drowning
Luckily, I have not yet been that drunk...

Best: Death by Rock-n-Roll
Who wouldn't want to go out that way?!

Worst: Autopsied
"After making the cut, the subject's heart...*cough*...After rectifying an anomaly, I will now continue the procedure of removing the heart."

Best: Glomped To Death
For those who don't know, to be glomped is to be hugged with a great enthusiasm. I'd be loved to death.

Worst: Chewed To Death
If I were attacked by zombies it would not be like with the piranhas. The piranhas would finish me off where zombies (as seen in the movies) never finish their meals. They chew on ya for a bit, maybe rip some flesh here and there or remove a limb, but they never completely finish you off, down to the bone as it were. Of course, then I'd become a zombie myself and I would at least have the decency...anyway

Best: In A Grand Escape
In truth I'd want to live long enough to be that old lady in a wheelchair recognized by all the good looking, young male nurses as the one to watch out for.

My final downfall would be in the headlines: "98 yr old looses her life while attempting an intricately planned escape from the local senior citizens home..."

Worst: Being scared half to death, twice.

P.S.  There's a Facebook page and I just haven't felt like fucking with a widget yet, but here's a link.  Go "like" it mmkay.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Who would you like to meet?

Who would you like to meet? This is a question I came across on a facebook application. Of course I am going to assume they mean if I could meet anyone, who would that be. Oh the possibilities are endless, but I broke the list down to just a few to share with you.

1. The Russian Giant: Have you seen him fight?
The Russian Giant

The Russian Giant

2. Christopher Walken : I'd have him read me The Raven.
Christopher Walken

3. Teddy Roosevelt : So many reasons, but mostly "Speak softly and carry a big stick." One of my favorite quotes.
Teddy Roosevelt

4. An Alien: Not the scary Aliens species.
E.T.


So, who would you like to meet?

Monday, June 6, 2011

How I know when the force is with me

On a good day, everything goes my way. (Hey, that rhymed. Poet and didn't know it.)

If I can wake up in the morning and make it to the bathroom without running into anything...like the wall, or door, or....(like I do most mornings) then its been a good day.

When I don't have to work, its been a good day.

When everyone seems to get me, no mind control necessary, its been a good day.

If I find money stuffed in a pocket or purse that I didn't know I had, its been a good day.

If I don't loose my phone, its been a good day.

If I don't get scratched by one of the cats after they've used me as a launch point, its been a good day.

If I go into a room and actually remember why, its been a good day.

If the voices in my head can actually remember the entire song of Blue Moon, rather than just repeating 2 of the verses over and over and...then its been a good day.

If the voices remain completely silent, not as interesting, but still a good day.

If I get a comment on a post (because I'm a complete harlot when it comes to comments), then its been a good day.

I'm easily pleased.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

My friend Samson brought me a gift last week.  A pose-able man.  And even though he wasn't THAT kind of pose-able man, I've still found him to be quite entertaining.

I call this the "Run Bitch, Run" pose...


Friday, May 27, 2011

I Be Stylin!

I'm not really, unless you can say having a preggo belly is whats "In" right now.  In that case, I'm rockin it!

But I am at least cool enough to receive this:


Well, at least she thinks I'm cool enough.  "She" being Angela over at Begging The Answer!

She is absolutely awesome and entertaining, check her out...Not like that Perverts!

There are rules to receiving this, but I'm lazy and NO!  Don't Wanna!  But I'm keeping anyway and try to keep me from it!  Go ahead, lets see what you got!