Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The Decline of Wit and Sarcasm via Facebook Status'


2010:

When all else fails, admit I'm right and kiss my butt.

I do what I want!!!....true story.

Shaun: Don't ever leave me.
Me: I won't baby.
Shaun: Cuz I'll kill you.
Me: ...........

Someone needs to invent a DVR that records my sex dreams of your mom.

Your mom's like DSL, and I get high speed access.

Your mom: Wonderland. Me: Alice....

believes the rooster came first...

Treat religion like a penis; dont show it off in public and dont shove it down anyones throat without consent.

Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view.

I'm in one of those moods where I want to put someones face on fire and try to put it out with a fork....

Call me your mom, cuz I am what I eat...

I hope you all have a great weekend and that you touch someone inappropriately and cherish that moment.

Your mom's like a buffet, I lay her out on the table and take what I want.

♪ Old Macdonald had tourettes...e..i..e..i...F#^k....

I'm trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I'm allergic to having sex with your mom...

Do me a favor and ask your mom if she's free tonight....or if it'll cost me.

Ok, seriously though.....your mom!

There's something I've been wanting to tell you....so...your mom...she does this thing with her tongue....Hey! Where you going??

My Foot + your teeth + Contact at a high velocity = Awesome

is saving water. Showering with your mom.

So I was thinking and...404 error, file not found.

Oh, I make myself laugh.  Now check out 2011, the year my first daughter was born. And I was still in school.  Starting with most recent...  Here, we see the mind begin its decline...

My mind has stopped working. School has officially made me stupid...

I'd rather sandpaper a croc's ass in a phone booth then do this subnetting crap...just sayin...

Having serious withdraws from my current little addiction. At least I get to see her between classes...

Just finished hanging eyeballs and body parts on the front porch.

Attention Everyone!!! PLEASE!!! Will this child out of me!!

This child is NEVER coming out!

Until she gets here: What ever falls on the floor, stays there..

Wait until after Sunday and then GREEN LIGHT, GET THE HELL OUT! Love mom...

Shaun got me a big box of crayons for my bday!! /happyface!!!

Early Bday presents: TMNT: Secret of the ooze, Escape from New York, Prom Night, Snatch, and Mortuary! /superhappyface!!!

Cool story dude, needs more dinosaurs...just sayin.

I'm getting real tired of this whole crying and puking combination that's been going on lately

I planked your mom...


And then between 2012 and now....nothing but babies this, dead tired that and blah blah blah....Dear mind, please come back, I miss you.....

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Themed Thursday: Tacos


Just so you know, I went through a lot of tacos to bring this post to you and I am now having a serious craving.  You are welcome....
A bunch a bunch a tacos


Kill you slowly tacos

the kitty says it all
Baby taco vs mini taco.  Two completely different things.


Friday, July 10, 2015

Oh, I am full of the random b.s. these days

I should probably have picked a subject to focus on before starting this post, but with the historic lack of action on this blog I had a sudden urge to get something posted and the urge prevailed.

I'm beginning to think that I should also be drinking when writing this blog.  I'm very entertaining when I've been drinking.  Of course there's a large chance that I may be the only one who thinks so.
  
So, back to the lack of posts,...I sorry.

My plan is to get any poor unsuspecting soul I can, to find themselves trapped by my wondrous wit and to be completely incapable of NOT following my blog.  ( I believe there could possibly be a double negative in that,...somewhere??)  But I'm shit at advertising.  So if you have any advise, I'm all ears.  (That's a fun image to picture)

Also, if any of you have any advise for obtaining large quantities of money, quickly and fairly easily, without having to stand on a street corner, because I doubt the Mountain Man would appreciate that so much, then I would be most grateful.

I'm so poor right now that I've actually missed fast food from McDonald's and I hate McDonald's, but the convenience of not having to cook, THAT I miss.  I need a televised celebrity to raise money on my behave.

And sweets, I need candy to slowly rot my insides, the best kind of therapy.  I probably need a more intensive type of therapy, but again, I'm poor.

Perhaps I should adapt the mob mentality. Rule the neighborhood, set up a casino, invest in concrete shoes and baseball bats.....Am I being disturbing right now?  I could be more disturbing if you'd like.  I'm pretty sure I could freak out Charlie Manson if I put my mind to it.  

You know what's more disturbing that him?  My 3 year old.  Why, you ask, could I possibly find my sweet, angel faced little girl that disturbing?  Well it might have to do with the fact that she told me to close my eyes and hold out my hand because she had a surprise for me.  I opened my eyes to a severely large cockroach crawling up my arm.  Indeed, a very disturbing moment in my life.

I apologize if this post is a bit random, but I've been on a coffee kick lately.  (Once an addiction of mine and quickly coming back into fashion...)  It speeds me up, out of the funk I've been in lately and helps me to be better at socializing.  It doesn't really make sense to anyone but me, but see, I think and therefore talk faster on coffee and the faster I talk the less chance that I mumble dumb statements and even if I do make a conversational mistake, I'm talking too fast for most people to catch it.  So, win win.  

Last but not least, random awesomeness brought to you by the Bloggess 




Monday, June 15, 2015

Short and Sweet: Clara watches Zombieland

I've mentioned before that my 3 year old loves zombie movies so I thought she would love Zombieland, and she did!  She laughed and smiled and even made fun of the "silly" clown zombie but at one point in the movie, I looked over to her and she was crying, and not just crying but bawling her ass off.  It was at the scene when Tallahassee was locked in the toy booth and zombies were surrounding him.  I couldn't figure out, why at this one point in the movie upset her.  Was she afraid for him?  Did she think he was done for?  So I asked her why she was crying and through the tears and blubbers she yelled "The teddy bears!!" Tallahassee was shooting the teddy bears.....

Zombieland Toy Booth
 

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Themed Thursday: Best of Bacon

Bacon
Nuff Said!

funny bacon

bacon

bacon equals happiness

bacon kisses

kevin bacon

for the love of bacon

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

One Sad Sob Fest

I've lost my ability to be witty and sarcastic.  My story is a heartbreaking one of a somewhat clever woman who birthed two wild beasts that destroy most all her mental faculties on a daily bases.

And yes, this is me blaming my lovely children for my great lack of reason, wit or sense.

I've wanted to blog, thought of it often in fact.  But every time I sit down to type out a post....um....uh...well....F-it.

With my menu planning, grocery lists, to do lists of house hold chores, errands, phone calls and other such bs, you'd think I'd have gone mental by now, but not the fun wacky way I've always pictured.  Nope, I become the slack jawed, molded into the couch, slobber running down my chin, practically brain dead kind of loony.

So cry for me and my pitiful existence...or laugh and point.  I'm too ....too ...blah to care.  (Please brain, come back to me!)