Saturday, September 2, 2017

All I Wanted. (Happy Freakin Birthday To Me)

All I wanted was to wake up to a personal invite to the motherland from the Queen herself.  Instead I woke up sick.  

All I wanted was to be treated like royalty on this one day of the year.  Instead I had to make my own coffee. 

All I wanted was sunshine and rainbows on what is supposed to be a glorious day and instead, its cold and cloudy.

All I wanted was an all expenses paid trip around the world. Instead I'm so poor that, there should be a joke there but it isn't even funny.

It's all I ever wanted.  I wasn't asking for too very much.  A perfect day with treasure chests full of all that glitters presented to me by unbearably gorgeous, half naked celebrities from all my favorite fandoms in song form to the music of David Bowie...LIVE because he just couldn't miss my special day under any circumstances.  That's not asking for too much is it?!

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Anger Issues

Have you ever wished you were a more violent person?  Or maybe not wished but daydreamed of the amount of violence you could ensue on your enemies?  I do, more often than I'd like to admit.

In reality, I'm not really physically capable of harming anyone to any great degree due to my petite size, and I'm a mom.  Pretty sure there is something in the "mom code" that prevents me from physically lashing out at people, but it is fun to daydream, right?

Like that one person who has tickled every single one of my pet peeves in under an hour.  Though outwardly I am a perfect picture of calm as I casually sip my coffee, in my mind...I'm scrubbing a brick wall with their face.

And that one son of a motherless goat.  You know who you are.  Everyone knows who you are.  You could be mid-sentence talking to about the weather and I'm deaf to anything other than the sweet ping an iron skillet makes when it hits it's target.

Maybe it is just me...perhaps more sleep or some meditation should be in my near future....


Thursday, July 27, 2017

The Creature That Lives In The Shed: A Horror Story By Me

There once was a happy family that lived in beautiful home, in a good neighborhood, in a nice and quiet town.  Life was wonderful, though fairly uneventful.  However, behind this beautiful home stood a little worn down shed.  The shed was not very big, but had enough room to house the family's outdoor toys.

That was before that fateful day when that little worn out shed became something else to the family.  It was a day like any other.  Shortly after lunch the mother and two young daughters came out to the backyard to play and soak up some of that Summer sun.  And as usual, the young girls asked to play with their digging toys which were housed in the little shed.  The mother, in a fine mood, walked to the shed, unaware of the horror that awaited her.  

She clicked open the latch on the door to the little shed and without a thought for any thing other than her task at hand she swung open the wide heavy door.  With her eyes focused on a box full of toys, she didn't see it at first.  It was a master of concealment.  Slowly it slithered towards her, its tongue darting in and out in rapid succession, tasting her in the air.  It was then, that she heard the hiss behind her...No, ABOVE her!

That's right! The freaking snake was on the top of the door and he was looking all kinds of mad at me.  Now I'm not one to let some little thing frighten me that easily.  Nope, I didn't jump back or even scream....I damn well LEAPT for my life!  As for the scream, I was left with no more than a gurgle in my time of terror.

The girls were hardly phased by my dive for survival.  A look of slight annoyance did, however, cross their sweet little faces as I did not emerge with their treasured digging toys.
The evil creature slithered back into the unknown shortly after its failed attack.
Well, so maybe he didn't actually try to bite me, and it may also be possible that he was simply surprised at having been flung to the side while barely keeping his perch upon the door, but still...

Now don't think that little jerk was all innocent in this, for this was not the first or last incident in which he has chosen to present himself to us.  Nooooo!  And he seems to like to do so from head level.  He's a snooty snake.  All high and mighty.  We're beneath him and he's making a point that we know this.  Little Jerkface!  He's still out there probably preparing for his next surprise attack, but we know now of his wicked existence and we're ready.  With brooms at hand, we will drive him back...or at least use said broom to check all boxes and shelves before retrieving our play pretties.


Friday, September 2, 2016

Happy Birthmas To Me!

On this day (some odd number of years ago...) my mother, through immaculate conception, gave birth to a legend!...To me!...She gave birth to me!  I'm the legend.  Keep up.

It is a time of wondrous celebration and rejoicing. I'm practically a Disney freakin princess ya'll, worship me!  

On this spectacular day in history it is culturally acceptable to drink immense amounts of alcohol, run naked through the streets, throw money and candy in my direction (In My Direction, mind you, NOT directly at me) and watch whole marathons of Doctor Who, Star Trek (any series being allowed), Sherlock, other words, Geek the Hell out.  

Delight in inappropriate yet spiritual festivities and Enjoy Me!!....not like that...perv....

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Themed Thursday: Wes Craven

We unfortunately lost one of the best.  Wes Craven brought us the goriest, creepiest and most classic horror.  Today I honor him with a list of some of my very favorites.

Nightmare on Elm Street.  Freddy is and will always be my favorite!

What are your favorites?

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Drunken Conversation Between My Husband and I

So the Mountain Man is a very friendly guy.  He can talk to anybody.  He makes friends wherever we go and I love that about him.  However, in this particular case my jealousy was brought up...

Me:  You can be as friendly as you want with any guys, old ladies or ugly chicks but when its a hot chick, you have to introduce me first!

MM: Ok, so, "This is my wife..." And you think every chick is hot.

Me: Not good enough.  And not so, remember Sasquatch.

MM: "This is my lovely wife.."?  How epic does this intro really have to be? And she was hot.

Me: Freakin epic babe and she was a giant, handsy bitch.  Now, "This is my lovely" pause for effect, start intro music....

MM: Oh ok, "This is my lovely...hold on, let me pull out my phone.  I know its on here somewhere....Ok Google....its froze, let me turn it off for a minute...."

Me: You're just gonna have to mouth the intro song..."bum, Bum, BUM!"  Ok, now you try...

And the crazy thing is, he will more than likely do this the next time he's befriending a hot chick just to embarrass me....

So in anticipation, here's a lovely picture of the Mountain Man after a drunken night...

hangovers are fun

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The Decline of Wit and Sarcasm via Facebook Status'


When all else fails, admit I'm right and kiss my butt.

I do what I want!!!....true story.

Shaun: Don't ever leave me.
Me: I won't baby.
Shaun: Cuz I'll kill you.
Me: ...........

Someone needs to invent a DVR that records my sex dreams of your mom.

Your mom's like DSL, and I get high speed access.

Your mom: Wonderland. Me: Alice....

believes the rooster came first...

Treat religion like a penis; dont show it off in public and dont shove it down anyones throat without consent.

Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view.

I'm in one of those moods where I want to put someones face on fire and try to put it out with a fork....

Call me your mom, cuz I am what I eat...

I hope you all have a great weekend and that you touch someone inappropriately and cherish that moment.

Your mom's like a buffet, I lay her out on the table and take what I want.

♪ Old Macdonald had tourettes...e..i..e..i...F#^k....

I'm trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I'm allergic to having sex with your mom...

Do me a favor and ask your mom if she's free tonight....or if it'll cost me.

Ok, seriously though.....your mom!

There's something I've been wanting to tell mom...she does this thing with her tongue....Hey! Where you going??

My Foot + your teeth + Contact at a high velocity = Awesome

is saving water. Showering with your mom.

So I was thinking and...404 error, file not found.

Oh, I make myself laugh.  Now check out 2011, the year my first daughter was born. And I was still in school.  Starting with most recent...  Here, we see the mind begin its decline...

My mind has stopped working. School has officially made me stupid...

I'd rather sandpaper a croc's ass in a phone booth then do this subnetting crap...just sayin...

Having serious withdraws from my current little addiction. At least I get to see her between classes...

Just finished hanging eyeballs and body parts on the front porch.

Attention Everyone!!! PLEASE!!! Will this child out of me!!

This child is NEVER coming out!

Until she gets here: What ever falls on the floor, stays there..

Wait until after Sunday and then GREEN LIGHT, GET THE HELL OUT! Love mom...

Shaun got me a big box of crayons for my bday!! /happyface!!!

Early Bday presents: TMNT: Secret of the ooze, Escape from New York, Prom Night, Snatch, and Mortuary! /superhappyface!!!

Cool story dude, needs more dinosaurs...just sayin.

I'm getting real tired of this whole crying and puking combination that's been going on lately

I planked your mom...

And then between 2012 and now....nothing but babies this, dead tired that and blah blah blah....Dear mind, please come back, I miss you.....